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written by (in order of appearance) POLKA_DUCK - ACDUDE800 - NAMANERT - SKIPPY_ROCK
Polka_Duck (Polka)
April 1st is the very last day of March this year,
ACDude800 (ACD)
declared President Obama today, during a live conference from the Vatican, during which Pope Joe Biden also said,
namanert (nam)
"It's okay, we're amongst friends!", and then proceeded to break the world record for the most points in a single life on Galaga, while Mr. Sean Connery
ACD
announced that from this point on, every other day is Scottish Day, and that the other days will be dedicated to the respect of Pee-Wee Herman. Herman responded by
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showing his rare Silver Charizard to everyone in the audience. "So, Mr. Connery, how about a duel?" he asked. Connery said
ACD
that he couldn't, because his Level 99 Luvdisc had just learned Ultra Surf from watching episodes of Hawaii Five-O, and that it wouldn't be a fair fight. Herman challenged this, and the two eventually engaged in a real fight, which was broken up by Will Wright, who
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said "Look who I brought!" and then William Shatner beamed down. Unfortunately, he materialized in the middle of Connery, combining them into every one of the Power Rangers. Then
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the combo was broken. Then the Beetleborgs appeared from a nearby crater, and the Power Rangers were too busy filing a plagiarism lawsuit to defend the planet against the onslaught of giant Japanese robots being piloted by Tim Allen, and
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then Richard Karn jumped out of a Bush and went "BOOGABOOGABOOGA" and scared Tim and the Power Rangers. Unfortunately, it was Geroge W. Bush who he jumped out of, so
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Dick Cheney chased after him with a shotgun, vowing revenge. Cheney fired the shotgun, but missed. The bullet ricocheted into a microwave and became radioactive. It entered the body of Napoleon Bonaparte, who developed the power to
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see lightning from anywhere in the world. 20 years later, with his superpower, he became the CEO of one of the largest banking companies in the world. The next day, he turned 16, and got stuck by lightning. If only he had seen it coming. At his funeral, his mother, Anne Frank,
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who actually had escaped from the Nazis and published an elaborate cover-up book to prevent that knowledge from falling into the wrong feet, used the power of the Power Rangers and their Zords to revive Napoleon, who, as a side effect of the resurrection, was now joined at the hip to his wife, Josephine. Josephine expressed her dismay at this by
Skippy_Rock (Skippy)
committing suicide. Unwilling to allow the violence to poison the minds of children, Jack Thompson arrived in a taxi and declared that
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the letter "e" be banned from every book in Jamaica. In the year 2178, two years after Napoleon's revival, he met Tom Arnold, who did nothing but complain about his fat ex-husband, Rosie O'Donnell. He actually kinda liked her (he still wrote her name all over his binders), he just didn't like having to shave her back every other day. This caused an uproar in the nearby Wal-Mart, because
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Jack Thompson had declared it illegal to purchase new copies of Neverwinter Nights Diamond. BioWare, enraged at this, summoned their Canadian friend Nathan Fillion to throw copies of Mass Effect at Thompson. The Mass Effect boxes
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were actually filled with knives, due to a mix-up with Customer Support. Nathan Fillion then called the captain of the Royal Canadian Mounties (all Canadians know each other, so it's okay) to come and arrest Bonaparte, but they accidentally arrested his brother-in-law (by marriage), Napoleon Dynamite. Then, when they got to the police station,
ACD
Doc and Marty broke through the wall of the station in their DeLorean time machine. Doc yelled "Great Scot!" and Sean Connery bowed appreciatively. Then the time machine disappeared, causing the Mounties to reform with the help of Nathan Fillion. They proceeded to the Great Cave of Napoleon, where they discovered Mr. T, currently wanted for the shooting death of J.R. Ewing, and attacked him with
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a huge gun that shoots alligators strapped to chainsaws. Mr. T jumped out of the way and did a really cool flip in the air and hid behind a rock, then popped his head out to say "AND DON'T FORGET KIDS, DRINK YO MILK!" A stray chaingator bounced off the wall opposite T, then hit him in the throat as he yelled
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"I PITY THE FOOL" at the top of his lungs. The chaingator was killed instantly by the vibrations of Mr. T's Adam's apple. Having accomplished their mission, Nathan Fillion and the Mounties returned to the local bar to drink beer and watch hockey. Then the real Fillion and the Mounties burst into the pub and yelled, "These stereotypes are imposters!" Then there was a huge
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hot-air balloon that carried the entire population of New Mexico across state lines to Alaska. Then, Joss Whedon popped out from the real New Mexico, and said "Fo pos! I wrote that!" and
ACD
the world imploded because that never happened on Buffy, Angel, Firefly, or Dollhouse. This event was dubbed the Second Impact. Six years later, in 2015, a secret organization called SEELE was utilizing another secret organization called NERV to prevent Third Impact by creating an army of
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rabid PS3 fanboys. Very zombie-like in appearance, they continuously moaned "bluuuuuuu-RAAAAYYYY" until they devoured their targets from the inside-out with their annoying stares. Then
ACD
the Third Impact did occur. Every PS3 and 360 imploded, leaving gamers the world over with only the Wii to play games on. Fillion, the Power Rangers, and the Mounties (now reformed as Mal and the Power Mounties) attacked the Nintendo base after the successor to Wii Sports, Wii Play, Wii Fit, and Wii Music,
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left the company to pursue his modeling career as a drag queen. Three years later in 1989, he died of arm cancer, and created what we now know as Wheat Thins. When he died, he left his entire fortune to his grandmother, Josephine Bonaparte, who told him on his deathbed that his real brother is actually Mr. Bonaparte, and not Sylvester Stallone, as he previously thought. After he died, she
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burned all of his Garbage albums to keep warm, as the "fortune" was actually only one cent. The Killers' albums were next, but the Fourth Impact occured when peanut butter was removed from chocolate. The Fourth Impact looked a lot like this [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HlJWgBjd1g&feature=related ]but with more
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explosions and peanut butterless chocolate. This caused everyone with peanut allergies to kill Steve Ballmer, the man in charge of SEELE. In the dying breath, Steve requested that he be buried at sea like his Norse ancestors. When the time came for him to be buried, he
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was destroyed by Mello, the real leader of SEELE. Mello tossed Ballmer's body into the sky and instituted a new world order where everyone had to have hair like his. [ http://www.freewebs.com/deathnote121/Mello.gif ] Of course, people rebelled against this, and launched a full-scale invasion of NERV, causing the deaths of
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nearly everyone in England. The remaining few, after they finished eating their fish 'n' chips, and stopped playing football (really soccer), said to the Queen, "Cheerio, old chaps, would you like a spot of tea?" and then Freddie Mercury replied "No thanks" and then they retrieved the real Queen's body from the freezer where they kept her after she died. Right before she left, she said to Walt Disney, who was also in there,
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"King, whose dreams are buried in your mind, cornfields of popcorn are yet to spring open. The truth is," but Queenie's dialogue was muted. Disney gasped before confidently responding, "Liar." The queen shot Disney and was promptly eaten by the Stay-Puf Marshmallow Man, who then proceeded to
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rummage through the Queen's junk drawer in her royal kitchen. "Dangit, there's nothing in here except scissors and plastic jewelry. Where does she keep the
ACD
peanut butter?!" But the Stay-Puf Marshmallow Man was not long for this world. He died suddenly of a heart attack. Mello had written his name in his Death Note, and was therefore pleased with the results. He assumed the position of Big Honkin' King of the World by promising to end world hunger with the Marshmallow Man's remains. Fortunately, his nemesis Near learned of this plan and
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set up barriers around Tokyo, where the battle would finally take place for the Fifth Impact pre-game show. The one with the stupid hair finally got a haircut, and then got another Death Note from Calradia, where he met up with Lord Gearth and Lady Brina. After he left the castle, he went to Riverside and said
ACD
"Man, Neo-Riverside 3's a bust. Let's just get to the river." Mello, Gearth, Brina, Mal, and the Power Mounties set off towards the river, but discovered, to their horror, that it was now a river of Tang made from people's brains. They eventually worked out a plan, and that plan was
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to gather every astronaut ever (even the Russian ones) to drink up all the Tang. After Lance Armstrong was full, he said "That's how I roll, son." and then ran over people with his moon car. "At least I still have one more!" he said as he left. Then Tanya Harding showed up to the after-party drunk as heck, saying
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"Lol cosmonauts." Then, it was decided that everyone should fly to the moon. In an attempt to do this, everyone yelled the lyrics to "Fly Me to the Moon," causing Frank Sinatra to turn in his grave. He rose from his coffin and prepared a super
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laser-powered rifle-powered laser, but before he could even shoot them out of the sky, they fell to the earth. After five years of investigating the mysterious crash, it was discovered that the all died of dehydration, due to there being no more Tang. News reporter Nancy Hicks-Gribble fixed her hair, then proceeded to get ready to inform all of the world of the cause of the accident. She started out fine, until
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the cue cards messed up and she wished Hank good luck with his constipation again. This level of repetition is usually seen on Family Guy instead of King of the Hill, so the entire population of Neo-Arlen 3 gasped when they realized that it was actually Neo-Quahog 3. So, in an attempt to commit suicide, the population of Neo-Quahog 3 launched an all-out assault on Fox's headquarters by
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continuing to make new episodes. Then, out of nowhere, Bobby Flay appeared, holding a frying pan. He saw Peter Griffin, and got enraged for some reason, and then he put on a chicken suit and fought Peter for like 5 minutes (which is about 4 and a half minutes too long), then that old guy Conway Twitty started singing, and everyone groaned, because that's an old joke that was never funny in the first place. Seth Green then took a knife to
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everyone except Peter and Christian Bale. Then there was a fight, but Peter and Christian made up and ended up acting as the new Adam and Adam. They adopted children from Mars who repopulated the earth with three-eyed monsters who could also
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fight crime and do gymnastics. Then Burt Reynolds messages Dee Reynolds on Facebook saying that he is her paternal uncle, and then they went to his charity event and hit him with a bat and took pictures of him and Danny DeVito standing together. Then it turns out that DeVito was actually
ACD
Burt Reynolds all along. He and Sarah Michelle Gellar entered into a song-and-dance routine, which closed the Berkeley Repertory Theater's production of American Idiot: The Musical. It turns out that replacing Green Day with various pop culture references that make no sense whatsoever actually improved the quality of the production. It sold three tickets to Green Day fans who, to this day, complain about the play on Amazon.com's message boards.
Good night, travel well.
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