Stuck in a Rut

Well, I haven't gotten an email about the LBP Beta. Yet. I will. I know I will. I have until Monday to get the email, but be assured that I will get in that beta if it's the last thing I do (at least I'd die happy, right?).

You know, as you can probably tell if you read this blog much (ha ha, good one), I haven't been very inspired to blog about much of anything of importance as of late. I've just been a little depressed lately, but I don't know why. I feel like I need to vent about something, but I can't really think of what. I feel like I should really be doing something. I haven't really done anything lately. I mean, I'm 15, and I don't even have my driver's permit. I don't even really want one, but I think I should at least have one. I know how to drive, and I know most of the laws and everything, but from what I understand, I'll have to take a written test. I'm not sure how I would do on an actual test. Like, think about it: I've been homeschooled literally all my life, and the homeschool laws where I live have never been very strict, so I've never had to take an actual, legal test. I'm pretty sure I could do well enough, but I don't want to just do well enough.

I'm a perfectionist, at least with some things. I've never been very good at any sports (except for Karate, I was pretty good at that), so I've always felt the need to prove myself to people with my intelligence, and even though I'm no Einstein by any means, I like to think I'm at least above-average. If I don't do exceptionally well on intelligence-proving things like tests, I start my emo-ish self loathing phase, and although I don't do any physical damage to myself, I tend to do some bit of mental loathing. I feel like, if I don't have my intelligence, what do I have? Gaming won't get me that far. I used to be pretty good at drawing, but I just haven't been able to do much with that lately.

The calmer, more logical part of me wants to just try new things (such as Blogging and NaNoWriMo), hoping that something will stick and that I can just get my feet in as many doors as possible, but the dumber, more practical part of me just wants to..."give up", so to speak (not as in suicide, but more as in just not even trying at anything anymore). Of course, my logical mind is overpowering my practical mind, but sometimes it seems like my practical mind is putting up a helluva fight, you know?

Meh.