2/7/09

I did NOT sleep well last night. I was up until like, 2 AM anyway, but I couldn't get to sleep. I started feeling sick and my mind started racing. I was just thinking about what's going to happen within the next few years.
I don't want to have to get my driver's license.
I don't want to have to go through my first car accident.
I don't want to have to write up my resume.
I don't want to have to go to a job interview.
I don't want to have to get a girlfriend.
I don't want to have to go to a job.
I don't want to have to go to a job every day.
I don't want to have to break up with anyone.
I don't want to have to date for a year or two with the same person before I know if she's someone I'm supposed to marry.
I don't want to have to get married.
I don't want to have to move out.
I don't want to have to pay my own bills.
I don't want to have to have kids.
I don't want to have to have family members die.
I don't want to have to go to funerals of my family members.
I don't want to have to dress my kids up is ugly tuxedos and dresses to go to funerals.
I don't want to have to pay my kids' bills.
I don't want to have to send my kids to school or homeschool them.
I don't want to have to pay for my kids' doctor/dentistry bills.
I don't want to have to watch my kids get driver's licenses.
I don't want to have to watch my kids have their first car accident.
I don't want to have to watch my kids start dating.
I don't want to have to watch my kids break up with anyone.
I don't want to have to get old.
I don't want to have to die.

But you know what? I have to. There's no escaping life. For years now, I just haven't really thought about any of this. I didn't want to have to think about any of this, but now I do. I only have two and a half years before I turn 18, and I'll have to move out, get a job, etc. Real life isn't like TV or videogames where I can do anything I want at any time. I don't want to have to do a lot of things, but I'll have to, and I hate it. Sure, I could always commit suicide or something, but that's just stupid, and I care about my family too much to put them through all that.

I layed (lied?) in bed for over an hour last night, with all that going through my head before I finally passed out. I even had to turn my ceiling fan on, which I've never had to do before. I think I might be sick or something.